


hold me now, 'til the fear is leaving

by Yoyodiza



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Episode: Revolution of the Daleks, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:40:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28512816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yoyodiza/pseuds/Yoyodiza
Summary: Post Revolution of the DaleksYaz and The Doctor have a heart to heart after the events of the dalek invasion.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 100





	hold me now, 'til the fear is leaving

Yaz’s heart broke for her friend as she stared forlornly at the doors their friends had just left them through. She had tried to convey that sadness was normal for a situation like this, but The Doctor remained immovable. It was as if she were frozen in time, as if wishing for their return might reverse their decision. 

Yaz knew the fight was fruitless. She had lived the past 10 months with them, had seen their sadness, their confusion, and finally their acceptance. It had angered her at the time, how easily they could have given up on The Doctor, while Yaz remained dedicated to finding her. But now, watching them finally leave, she understood. But that didn’t mean she would follow them. She hadn’t had a proper discussion with The Doctor since her return. They’d had stolen moments of unspoken discussion, but Yaz felt they both needed to explain to each other where their heads were at. After all, it was just the two of them now.

‘Doctor,’ she nudged gently, trying again to get her away from the door. ‘How about that meringue restaurant, eh? Sounded epic to me.’  
The Doctor barely acknowledged her, apart from saying:

‘Maybe another time. I’ve suddenly lost my appetite.’ The Doctor turned away from her, and headed over to the console. She pressed a few buttons, pulled a lever and glanced once more at the door longingly. With a sad sigh, she turned her attention back to the console and, rather forcefully, plunged the main lever down to get them moving. Yaz watched her friend with sadness, wishing she knew what to say. Graham was usually the caretaker of the group, acting as the counsel when they needed guidance. But now he wasn’t here. So it was up to Yaz. 

She wandered over to the console, gently gliding her fingers over the luminous buttons and ridges.  
‘Where are we going?’ She asked gently, needing to know what the plan was next. The Doctor continued to stare at the console, not really present.  
‘Erm, just into the vortex for a bit. I need some time to think…’ She paused, looked back towards the doors, and made to move somewhere deep into the depths of the TARDIS; always running away.  
Yaz couldn’t bear The Doctor being in so much pain. She had to do something. 

‘Doctor, talk to me.’ 

The Doctor stopped moving, but didn’t turn back. 

‘I can’t, Yaz.’ 

‘Please, Doctor, don’t shut me out.’ Yaz paused, before lowering her voice. ‘Not now.’ 

The Doctor dropped her head to her chest in resignation. She sighed, and started moving away again. However, this time, she took a seat on the steps rather than leaving Yaz alone. It was a small win. Her head was still hung, looking at the floor, but it was a start. 

Cautiously, Yaz moved from her spot and towards the steps. She sat down beside The Doctor, wanting to reach out and touch her, but knowing it wasn’t time yet. She wished she hadn’t shoved her friend earlier, but it had been out of frustration and love. She was so glad The Doctor was back, but there was still a lot that hadn’t been said. For either of them.  
She decided to stay silent, until The Doctor was ready to talk. She didn’t have to wait too long.

‘This is all my fault,’ The Doctor said darkly, almost angrily. She always directed her anger towards herself, and Yaz was having none of it.  
‘Doctor, it’s not your fault. You can’t control everything…’

‘I should’ve been able to control this. I should have made it back 10 months ago. It should have been as if nothing had changed, as if I hadn’t spent years away…’ The Doctor paused, realising that she’d let slip the one thing she hadn’t wanted to. Yaz’s eyes widened in response. 

‘What did you say?’ Yaz exclaimed.

‘Nothing, I meant it figuratively…’ The Doctor tried to back track, panic now in her eyes. She hadn’t wanted to burden Yaz with this knowledge. Yaz wasn’t having any of it. 

‘How long were you away, Doctor?’ 

‘It doesn’t matter Yaz…’

‘Yes, it does!’ Yaz raised her voice. ‘You said years. How many years was it?’ 

The Doctor looked at her now, ancient eyes betraying their true age. 

‘Honestly? Decades.’ 

‘What?!’ Yaz felt her stomach drop and her heart smash. ‘I… why didn’t you say anything?’ Yaz felt the intense guilt eat away at her. She’d been angry about not seeing her friend for 10 months, but to learn that for The Doctor it had been years, decades, it filled Yaz with horror. She felt nauseous. Tears pricked at the sides of her eyes, but she pushed them back determinedly. 

‘Time moves differently for me, Yaz. Yes, it was a long time, but for someone who has lived as long as I have, time tends to take on a different meaning.’ 

‘You said you were in space jail?’ 

‘Yeah, the Judoon might have had something to do with it…’

‘You were in jail for decades?’ 

‘It wasn’t so bad. The thought of coming back to you kept me going.’ The Doctor paused, looking down sadly at the floor. ‘Although, it seems as if I was holding onto a fantasy.’ 

‘It wasn’t a fantasy, Doctor. We all wanted you back so desperately. But Ryan and Graham… I don’t know, it got to about the 6 month mark and they both started to accept your death. I guess people grieve in different ways.’ She paused, thinking carefully about what needed to be said. ‘But… when they thought you weren’t coming back, they started to move on. Said I should do the same. But…’ 

‘You didn’t move on?’ 

‘How could I?’ Yaz countered.

‘The boys did. Quite understandably, I wouldn’t want you all to stay stagnant.’

‘Yeah, well, I guess I lost more than they did.’

The Doctor looked at her quizzically. 

‘What do you mean, Yaz?’ Yaz almost barked out a laugh. For someone so smart, The Doctor could be totally oblivious when it suited her. 

‘Remember when Jack asked for volunteers for Osaka, and I immediately volunteered to go with him?’ 

The Doctor nodded, not sure where this was going. 

‘I wasn’t ready to face you yet. I felt awful about shoving you, when all I wanted to do was hug you. I was processing you being back, and what it meant, so when he offered a chance to avoid you, I took it.’ The Doctor’s face fell at that, but Yaz continued. ‘Jack gave me some good advice.’

‘And what was that?’ The Doctor asked, mask coming up slightly, her voice cold. She was hurt. But she also needed hear what Yaz had to say, if they were to move forward.  
‘Basically to embrace everything you can give me. To make the most of our time together. Before it ends.’ 

‘Yaz, I truly meant it earlier when I said I won’t disappear again.’ 

Yaz scoffed.

‘Doctor, I believe you think that, but it’s just not true, is it?’ The Doctor looked even more hurt. ‘I’m not saying this to be cruel, Doctor. But one day, whether it’s by accident, whether it’s another suicide mission, or maybe one day you’ll just get bored of me…’

‘How could I ever get bored of you?’ The Doctor admonished. ‘Don’t you dare think that for a second! We might be separated one day, but that won’t be through choice. I can promise you that.’  
Yaz felt the tears build in her eyes again. She could feel her anger thawing, and in its place something else began to take hold. Guilt. 

‘I’m sorry for pushing you away, Doctor. That was really unfair of me.’

‘No, no, it wasn’t. I got the timings wrong…’

‘Don’t blame yourself for that. Besides, you’ve done so much time inside, it seems hardly fair that I’m having such a go at you.’

‘Trust me, Yaz, you could be going a lot harder on me. You have every right to be angry.’ The Doctor paused. ‘We haven’t even begun to talk about what happened on Gallifrey…’

‘How you went on a suicide mission and didn’t tell us?’ Yaz winced at her own words, but she was still so angry, not matter how she tried to repress it. 

‘Yeah, that. Well… I was just doing what I thought I had to do. To keep you safe.’ The Doctor looked Yaz square in the eyes. ‘I would do anything to keep you safe, Yaz.’ She paused. ‘Literally, anything,’ she whispered, like she was revealing her darkest secret. 

Yaz was speechless. It felt like a confession, but to what, Yaz wasn’t sure. She suddenly felt the rage leave her body, and was instead left with a profound sadness. The Doctor would lay down her life for her. She had spent decades away from her, only hoping for a happy reunion. Instead, she got the cold shoulder and abandonment by two of her best friends. Yaz suddenly felt so ashamed of herself. 

‘Doctor, I am so sorry.’ Yaz choked out. Tears spilled treacherously from her cheeks. She couldn’t bear the guilt. The Doctor looked at her, confused. 

‘Yaz, don’t apologise. I mean, you’re still here, right?’ The Doctor tried to jest, but the joke was too soon, and it cut deeper for both of them than it had meant to.

‘I don’t deserve you.’ Yaz managed to get out, tears rolling faster now. She tried to hold back a sob, but it betrayed her anyway. The Doctor took in her tears, scooted closer and reached across the chasm to wipe them away. The contact made Yaz weep harder. 

‘Hey, hey, don’t say that.’ Her thumb wiped its way across Yaz’s cheek, cupping it gently. Yaz felt her heart bloom, which was something she hadn’t felt in 10 months. 

‘I’ve just really, really missed you, Doctor.’ Yaz finally admitted, body giving way to more sobs. Before she knew it, The Doctor was holding her in her arms, close to her hearts. Yaz instinctively wound her arms around The Doctor’s waist, and held her firmly in place. The Doctor’s lips were pressed against Yaz’s ear, speaking quickly and passionately. 

‘I’ve missed you so much Yaz. So, so much.’

The Doctors hearts were ricocheting off her human one, as Yaz clutched The Doctor to her tighter. 

‘Don’t ever leave again, please.’ Yaz pleaded, even though she knew one day it would be fruitless. Even more quietly, she murmured. ‘Don’t leave me again.’ She felt The Doctor shudder against her, and she realised that her favourite alien was crying, right alongside her. 

‘Never. I promise.’ She couldn’t promise, of course, but she truly meant it in the moment. 

Saying ‘I miss you’ didn’t feel like it was enough to convey the depth of feeling that was flowing between them.

‘All that time, when I thought I might never see you again, it… it really broke my heart.’ Yaz admitted. In response, The Doctor held her tighter. Yaz could feel tears spilling down her neck. 

‘Me too,’ The Doctor murmured. Yaz began to pull back, wanting to see if her friend was alright, but The Doctor locked her in place, holding her securely. ‘Can we stay like this, for a little while? I haven’t been held in a really long time, and I…’ Yaz responded by pressing her lips to The Doctor’s cheek. The Doctor’s eyes closed tighter in response. 

They held each other for a while longer, until the pain left and they could breathe again.

**Author's Note:**

> The title is taken from a song by 'Red' (epic band btw)


End file.
